Negative horoscopes funny

It may seem unrelated to your day so far, but remember: the world love All the advice I could share with you would blow your mind and leave nothing to the imagination. Your doctor will be able to diagnose your current Today might find you requiring a move of the left-hand and right-hand side speakers or earphones you use to listen to music.

The government will Tax will start to upset you later this week as recriminations begin. Good luck is not what you need right now. You could do with the services of When leaving your house this morning, don't forget to lock up and give the children a pat on the head. All of your aims are achievable, although Telling tales is pretty much what keeps me going.

negative horoscopes funny

How about you? Banking on anyone this week?

negative horoscopes funny

Don't let them let you down like they did me. All the time you spent on learning French is never going to pay off. Most of your dreams will come true over the coming fortnight, so prepare for When ending a letter today, remember to append 'xxx' to the end, especially if your letter is formal.

You're incredible. Buying a T-Shirt proclaiming Speeling mestakes are'nt god.

negative horoscopes funny

Ignore those who laugh at your sense of style. The sun doesn't wear a hat, and it's probably not a good idea to play Test yourself today, let go of your fears and grasp the nettle with both hands. Seek comfort in clothing today. We having a saying here in Texas Don't worry. Be happy. Change is always for the good, ask any transsexual. Cats are your "animal of the day", which is a new one on us. We always If there's one thing you can take for granted this week, it's that things cannot be taken for granted.

Any spikes that you see in your power usage Brought to you by our favourite zodiac experts, choose from your astrological star sign below and check out your free daily funny horoscope with a beautiful parody of your love and romance readings for Click on the appropriate zodiac sign and you'll be whisked away into a hilarious horoscope journey. Also, don't forget to check your romantic love horoscopes.

Remember, our horoscopes change dailyso remember to follow us on Twitter or join us on Facebook for your daily treat!

And if you're not at all interested in astrology or the zodiac, you can get a free daily fortune cookie straight in your inbox!Amuse yourself and make fun of your friends with the Virgo Hilaroscope 23rd August — 22nd September.

Many people closely associate Virgo with virgins. This is not entirely correct. Even the smallest decision is enough to give a Virgo a headache. And yet another thing that goes without saying it that there is absolutely no point in mentioning things that go without…. Back to Virgos! They are usually the sort of people whom you can easily set your watch by. Virgos have been known to suffer severe depression because of something as trivial as a change in the local bus timetable.

Virgos are convinced deep down that their ideal soul mate is somewhere out there. Seeks first love. Virgos are money magnets of a kind. They have a weird tendency to find money in the most unlikely places, such as wedged behind the cistern in public toilets or stuck to the bottom of their shoe with chewing gum after a jog in the park. The main problem is that their booty mostly happens to come in obscure currencies like Bourodian Jippets, Pogalese Kilants or Suterian Flamps that not even the high street banks have ever heard of.

Long nights munching crisps in front of movie reruns are definitely not events. Virgos would make perfect assembly line personnel, choir singers, and rat catchers. We regularly update our site with interesting news and events related to Marbella, so if you would like to receive alerts, please enter your email into the box below. Mostly hideously hilarious!

Occasionally downright daft! Character, love, money, future and much more ridiculously revealed. Character Many people closely associate Virgo with virgins. And yet another thing that goes without saying it that there is absolutely no point in mentioning things that go without… Back to Virgos!

Love Virgos are convinced deep down that their ideal soul mate is somewhere out there.Know with whom you share the best and worst relations with, based on your Zodiac Sign. Venus in Sagittarius: Know how will Venus transit in Sagittarius impact your life.

Seeing the things before they happen can really make you take intel Venus in Capricorn: In this article, know about the Venus transit in Capricorn and its effects on the 12 moon signs.

Know how will this planetary tran Mars in Libra: In this article, know about the Mars transit in Libra and its effects on the 12 moon signs. Check out what is for you in this planetary Mercury In Scorpio: In this article, know about the developments as Mercury enters Scorpio and Mercury transit effects on the 12 moon signs This is not one of those easy and carefree days. Businessmen, industrialists and those in manufactu Career-oriented individuals and job holders may be For the natives of Taurus this year, Saturn seems He is probably into a very eventful phase currently.

What do the planets indicate about his journey? Write Your Question Career :. Login Or Register. Customer care 10am — 6pm, India. Home Zodiac Signs Taurus Traits. Taurus Traits.

Taurus Traits Taurus is one of the most reliable and dependable signs of the zodiac. You are enthusiastic, stoic, determined and materialistic.

negative horoscopes funny

Your stubbornness is due to the strong will and determination.Sarcasm, straight shooting, satire and snark - Christin tackles all with her sharp little bark! This is a parody—meaning humor piece. It is not intended to be a serious study in Astrology, although the meanings below did indeed draw from challenging traits said to be associated with the various signs.

This article was written with tongue in cheek. Please keep this in mind if you are easily offended! Every sign is fair game in this article. It's going to be harsh, over-the-top, and all in good fun. There is no escape.

Whatever sign you were born under, I will illustrate to you why it was written in the stars that you are a horrible human being. If you leave here with a reduced self-esteem and your fragile ego torn into tiny tatters, then my job as a ruthless, backbiting Scorpio sadist is done.

You are not only arrogant and confrontational, you are also extremely rigid and dogmatic. Like a boa constricting its prey with its relentless death grip; your ego avoids being bruised at all costs, even if it means alienating everyone around you.

Shadow Signs

No such thing as a purposeful debate with an Aries. You don't need things like facts and empathy for others getting in the way of your opinion. Nope, once you've made up your mind nothing, truly nothing at all, will change it.

When you're not busy annoying the will to live out of everyone around you with your aloof, know-it-all, condescension, you spend a great deal of time engaging in reckless, impulsive and undisciplined behaviors. When a project needs to be done, you're the one who will systematically "half-ass" it, leaving it sub-par and unfinished for everyone else to attend to while you set off on your next adventure.

You're the person that makes the office a truly wonderful place—when you leave. Your tendency towards self-indulgence and laziness is truly perplexing. You believe very much that the world owes you something, but lack the motivation to get up and actually work. Your possessiveness and materialistic nature often makes you jealous of others, especially the ones who actually work for the things you covet.

Your possessive nature and tendency towards jealousy also make you prone to stalking and never knowing how to take "no" for an answer, in anything, ever. You are not only cheap and self-indulgent, you tend to be rude as well.

Another reason many of you live in your mother's basement well into adulthood. You're a nervous Nellie who lacks decision making ability.While we may not all be natural comic geniuses, we cannot help but bring at least a little accidental or unconscious comedy to the world — through our efforts, and possibly even through our mistakes.

Funny Horoscopes

But the truth is, we humans are a pretty funny species, and most of the time, the laughs we cause are simply due to things we do that have very little to do with laughter. Depending upon where your sign falls, you might have a tendency to be funnier than others.

But the truth is. Humor is obvious with you. Part of what makes you so funny is that you usually have a team of people who believe in everything you say, and that keeps you pumped for your next comedy performance.

Negative Astrology Sign Characteristics

If you want to die of laughter, find your Taurus buddy and make them cheer your tired ass up, because that is what this sign does. This is the Cheer You Up sign, and they usually go the route of the profane. So, if a good dirty joke rocks your boatcount on your perky but delightfully fun friend, Taurus. Gemini is the ultimate clown of the party. Even if the party consists of two people, it's your Gemini friend who is going to cut to the bone with their spot-on insightful humor.

Cancers are not funny. And when they try, they're even less funny. Unless of course you think spilling coffee on a table is the good stuff in comedy, that's about as mega-funny as it ever gets with hum-drum snooze-o-rama Cancers.

Leo can and will have you laughing your tush off, and more than likely within seconds of meeting them. And nerve is key here, so don't expect the laughs to be anything less than brazen, ridiculous and in your face. When Leo makes you laugh, you'll need an oxygen tank to go with it. Then you get to experience the other side of their humor, which is the lack of response, the utter and complete inability to communicate and their total shut-down silence.

Laugh and run. Ugh, is it necessary to excavate whatever ruins there are in order to find Scorpio's humor? Oh yes, they are just screeching laugh riots when it comes to your pain and humiliation. Yep, that's about the extent of Scorpio funniness. If you feel down, bigger laughs. If you want to kill yourself, slam-dunk hysteria.

Yes, Scorpio is one helluva good time Charlie. Definitely one of the funny zodiac signs, Sag gets so into being funny that they find it hard to stop. And that in itself is pretty funny to watch. Sag's making idiots of themselves is top notch entertainment! Oh, the fun and joy they have when it comes down to ripping another human being to shreds!Remember that strange little kid in the neighborhood who orchestrated grand parties, yet only invited imaginary friends?

Hands down a Pisces! Then, a few years later, while bravely bonding with you at a slumber party, your whimsical friend decided to share information about their ability to manifest lost objects from some inter-dimensional plane? Your uncontrollable laughter induced years of psychological therapy. Firmly planting a Pisces is like trying to unzip your own pants without hands.

It can be done but it's extremely painful to watch! A Pisces would much rather tip toe on top a bed of clover and skip through the land of fairies than face the harsh realities of life. Many resort to chugging ample bottles of companionship to assure that even the slightest glimpse of emotional pain remains tightly corked.

Blessed with the gift of imagination and sensitivity, their psychic antennas are always tuned in and turned on! Tuned in to what? We can never really be sure. Take a dagger and pierce your own heart immediately upon meeting a Sadge. A Sadge has no time for such nonsense as displays of affection. They're searching for that perfect person and you're not it! They spend a lifetime sampling all the goodies, opportunities and experiences presented to them just to make sure they don't miss out on that perfect ONE.

That would be a tragic day, indeed!

Seeking spiritual union by feeding their ravenous, carnal hunger and somehow, feeling a sense of entitlement, they leave a trail of innocent victims behind. On the rare occasion a Sadge should hit that bumpy road of life, you'll never hear the end of all the injustices brought upon them.

Oh, really? Should we feel sorry for you, dear Sadge? No one's buying it! May we suggest giving up just one cold tear so as to allow a brief glimmer of human recognition? Being the eternal optimists, they make most people leery with their incessant cheerfulness and sunny dispositions.

The world's their personal merry-go-round, complete with all its frivolity and self-gratifying pleasures. Born salespeople, overflowing with the gift of eloquence, they could sell a fur coat to King Kong in the middle of summer, convincing him of evening frost. Sadges never really grow up, choosing rather to spread their contagious optimism, like a nasty little virus. This allows the delivery of burning sarcasm with a smug twinkle in their eyes. It's amazing they still have friends.

Some of their lucky, but not-so-bright recipients even express gratitude for pointing out their stupidity. You Archers really are the ultimate catch. So, if you love a Sadge, why? Don't ever say we didn't warn you!They want the whole world and they want it yesterday and they can be kind of impatient when it comes to getting it.

They can be stubborn as a mule too when they are certain that they are right! Money is great and all but balance is essential to maintaining sanity! The Virgo is a bit of a perfectionist and as a result they can come across as, well, kind of pedantic and critical. Sometimes they just need to chill and manage their expectations.

Libras are so clever and charming that they can easily pull the wool over someones eyes should they choose to do so.

HOW THE ZODIAC SIGNS WAKE UP

Sometimes they just gotta learn to move on! The Capricorn likes to think of themselves as a skeptical realist but to some their attitude can come across as downright pessimistic. The dreamy like state that Pisces often finds themselves in can result in total indecisiveness when it comes to making crucial decisions.

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